Life Sucks

So first time in a year since I posted on this damn blog I don't really go on anymore. Well, having 2 other blogs of course I haven't had time. Anyways, I thought I should blog.

In the last 48 hours the only food I have were four kernals and a peanut from the Crunch 'n Munch Toffee flavor that I got almost a week ago but never opened till yesterday afternoon. But that was all I managed to eat. In addition to that I had probably a total of 24 oz of Coca Cola, so basically 2 1/2 cups from my mom's glass cups, and about 10 almost 12 oz of Chocolate Mocha Cappucino. That's it. My body is shaking, just minamally. I haven't had any substantial food in 48 hours. I think I may be sick. I'm not even hungry. At least not that I can feel. Or maybe I am but I can't notice it. I don't want to force myself to eat otherwise I'd get sick, but I need to eat. Like I said, I think I may be sick.

Just For Fun

Because I haven't these things in a looong time, I thought I should namely 'cause I always found them fun.

Your Uncommon Name Is: Isadora September Clingman

Weird, but it works.

A Lily Says You're Very Enticing

You are playful, flirty, and friendly. You can easily light up a room... or someone's heart. Your unique personality attracts a lot of attention! Your cute ways get you in trouble. People can't help but be a little jealous of you.

Your Iris Says You're Very Spiritual

You are incredibly hopeful and courageous. Even when you've been challenged in life, you have faith that everything will work out. Your feelings run deep, and you are a very grateful person. You are very effected by the world around you. You are thankful for the life you lead.

Roses Say You're Very Affectionate

You are a classic romantic who believes in true love. You often experience deep emotions and feel warmth toward almost everyone. You are a bundle of positive feelings and sweetness. You are easily hurt, and people should be careful with your heart.

You Are the Heart Chakra

You are loving, kind, and empathetic. You feel for the world, and you truly value peace. You have many close relationships, and you work hard to make them harmonious. You are accepting and understanding. You are tolerant of all sorts of viewpoints, even if you don't agree with them. You are very forgiving. When you love someone, your love is unconditional.

You Are An Attention Seeker

You're only human, so you can't help but want a little attention every now and then. You love the spotlight, but only when it's well deserved. You'd hate to be known for the wrong thing. And you also don't mind sharing the spotlight. You can easily give someone else credit or a complement. You know there's enough attention to go around, and it makes you happy when your friends shine. You come across as: Friendly and interesting People may wrongly think you're: A little more modest than you actually are!

Your Ideal Marriage Proposal Is

After dinner at your favorite restaurant, at the spot where you first kissed.

You are 80% Taurus

You are 80% Taurus

That was interesting and fun...

High School Reminiscing--Fan Fics

I spent probably half the day talking with my really good friend Ashley. We've known each other since we were I'd say 14 maybe 15 and freshmen in high school. Our conversation was spurts usually when we just want to have a bit of a chat because what we were just doing just bore us. Well, one of the last things we were talking about, mostly me, had me thinking about something in high school.

I was listening to Avril Lavigne's "Keep Holding On" from the Eragon Soundtrack and a sudden random memory emerged. The song reminded me of a fan fiction I had started writing in high school but never got around to finishing. That fan fiction was based around friendship and time travelling, but not like Doctor Who because I honestly didn't start watching Doctor Who until a year or two after the the Class of 2004 graduated. Good times and good memories. Back to what I was saying.

As I was listening to the song without even thinking about it much I remembered about that fan fiction and how it was about a girl who went back in time helping out those who were trying to get her back to present day. (I'm purposely avoiding what show/book/movie/etc this fan fic was based off of.) And because the song is about not giving up and sticking things through, that's what I remembered what my fan fic was about and how the girl made sure everyone stuck things through. So I told Ashley about that fan fiction and she found it interesting and was, I think, amused by it a bit. So, convinced and encouraged, I went through my boxes and found the spiral notebook that held the fan fic I was excited to remember. So now I have a fan fic that I now will finish off writing when I am not in the mood to write my "regular" fiction that is no where near the fan fic realm/genre.

Well I hope luck is on my side and I finally finish this story and the sequel I had planned for it. I think I'm going to enjoy this and the journey I'll be on just writing it. I'm just tickling my imagination now. So off I go and finish the journey that's already been started and just because it will end, doesn't mean their story will ever end, not if they will always be read by me and my friends.

Peace be with all.

T.L.E.R.

Something has recently come to light and it's something that I'd like to share and get feedback from (hopefully).

Ok, when it comes to working hard to do something that's helpful and nice in a group, amongs friends, family, etc there comes a time when someone close to you gives a comment or reward that's a slap on the face. Becaus I think there is a strong difference between saying "So and so did such and such and oh my god it's so awesome that he/she did all this" and "good job". So why is it that a complete stranger get's the longer more detailed praise and the one friend who's been doing his/her best with what little resources he/she has and that friend only get's the 2 worded comment? So is it wrong for a friend to get upset because he's busting his ass to help the whole group with the limited resources when someone new comes in and in less than an hour not only gets a lengthy praise but also gets an immediate reward that took this friend who's been nothing but be loyal and even went near broke and had to use let's say "Wal-mart" quality (cheap quality) stuff until he earns enough money to get better stuff for himself? Is it wrong for the friend to get upset when the friend spent at least 2 months to even get a small reward when at least 2 new people got at about three times that much for each of them in minutes? Is it wrong for the friend to get upset because someone who had more money made a greater contribution and wanted to bring in a couple people in and got the reward in minutes that took the friend 2 months to get and that reward the new person got was more than what the friend got? Is it wrong for the friend to get upset because the person who got him upset in the first place doesn't do anything to make the situation better? Is it wrong for the friend to see that his friend, the one who overlooked him basically, allowed someone to buy over their friendship and rewards?

I'm writing this now because I've seen it time and time again with friends who does get overlooked. I know it's Christmas and I should write something better, but guess what folks, this happened just recently. It pisses me off that someone says something so they won't make that same mistake a third time or so and then does it again. Feed back please.

Not Over...the "Yet" Will Never Come!

So after 3 months of frustrations of many things going on in our relationship, just just days before he was planning to get down here where I live (long distance relationships are hard work) we began to work on our problems a little bit at a time. By Monday, a week ago from this day, we really had fixed many issues and was starting to get ready for the coming weekend. We had talked over our major issues and now were very excited to see each other soon.

He arrived late Thursday night, I was still wrapping presents at last minute. As soon as he got settled in in his hotel room we started talking on voice chat again like we always do. I don't think either of us couldn't stopped smiling that night, I could tell by his voice he was doing nothing but smile and wanted to see me real bad and was excited for the next day. I arrived at his hotel 11:00 a.m. Friday morning and the moment he opened the door I stepped in and gave him the biggest hug I could give him. He closed the door behind me and we hugged for the longest time. First time in 3 months we had hugged. I was thankful that the room was dark, he had all the curtains closed so no light came in. I was tearing up and wiped them on the sleeves of my sweater. We had lunch with my friends before he had to take off and buy last minute presents for me before we met up a few hours later. We spent the evening watching a few episodes of "How I Met Your Mother" and eating pizza back at his hotel room before calling it a night and headed home. Next day I came around the same time and having both of us being tire we laid in bed for a while. After showering we exchanged presents, him going all out, and me giving him a mini "night in" kit (I called it "Steve's night in kit". I know, name wasn't creative as the present.) He opened his present before I got to my last one. (Like I said, he went all out and bought me so much my head is still spinning 3 days later.) The last box was the most romantic of them all.

I tooj out the bow and ribbon, the fake roses (theywould have died before I got there had they been real) and I opened it. In it was a bouquet of red roses. A dozen of them. He said that the roses represented the romance he will be giving me throughout our whole lives and though it may wane as we get older, it will never be gone completely or go away at all. Tied around the plastic that held the bouquet together was this black yarn, a lovely piece of string that I will use to make a scarf. (Black and red ar his colors.) The string, he said, represents the patience he asks that I have with him. And he asks for a lot, 60 yards of it. It's understandable because I would ask the same amount from him, give or take. At the en of the string were 2 roses tied together. He said the last 2 represented us and that at the end of it everything no matter how bad things get it will always be worth it in the end, that our love, his and mind, would always be worth it. He looked at me then to the 2 roses I held before he finished saying that so I looked at the roses again to see why he had done so. And I did. There on the stem was a sterling silver ring with a design of a rose. By some skill I was boggled on how he got it there while still having the leaves of the long stemed roses entact. As soon as I saw it Ihad wrapped my arms around his neck. I couldn't believe he had gotten the ring after making me believe that it hadn't come when he had ordered it online. I was far too happy to have gotten it that I had began to cry, something he didn't quite expect me to do. He had told me that it was hard to had gotten the ring there like it would be hard to keep going when all we want to do is just give up. He had also said to get to the ring the roses would have to be destroyed otherwise the ring would have to be "destroyed" to get it and keep the roses aas they were. We took out the leaves instead so both the ring and roses minus the leaves would survive. He had then given me a ring that "was more than a promise ring but not quite an engagement ring". That day he promised me that no matter what he'd be there for me and he'll do anything to make me happy because his happiness is rooted on mine. (I was misrable when I first met him even with a big smile. No one would have known I was going through a recent family death.) He promised he would take care of me because it's smething he wanted to do. And like the roses and the ring, he continued, the only way to separate us is to destroy us. (Yes I know the leaves were taken out rather than destroy it. I juast wanted to keep the roses that the ring held together.)

Later that night after going to my friend's house for our annual Christmas party, the last one I'll be able to go to for a long time when I did stay the night at the hotel room, he was drunk and I was a bit buzzed, he told me the thoughts that went through his mind when he first saw me at Comic Con, the best places for dorks/geeks/nerds like us meet but the extremely lucky few find our match there. He had said that in his mind he had thought at that moment I was the most beautiful girl he's ever seen and he had wanted to get to know me more. And he said that since then I have gotten more beautiful to him since that day. He was telling me that there is a reason why his pst relationships never "failed", or an "F" as he had also called them, and it was because had they been an "A" he would have been with them instead. He was telling me that I was his "A". He had also said that he is at his rut one of the lowest points in his life if not the lowest point. And though he wasn't anywhere where he wanted to be and where he says he should be, he will be and he would take me away from my own misery and take care of me as long as we'll live. He was determined to make my life better just as he wanted to make his life better for himself. He told me so many thing that night that even though he was drunk (I would have to argue he wasn't that drunk so he knew what he was saying and even remembered what he had said the next day), he told me things that he understood why I had turned to alcohol, why I had stopped and refused it all of a sudden, and why I was "afraid" of it right ynow. In my 22 years, still blooming despite my adolescence fading for years, I have never seen anyone cry the way he did. I have not seen that since I was 9 when I used to hide in my closet and cry myself to sleep there because of how alone and abandoned I felt from my own mother and my step-father, an abusive man who still haunts this non-exisistant family. It wasn't so much tears that reminded me of the tears of my lost childhood. It wasn't sympathy I felt, though I did feel sympathy because he felt alone, it was my love for him growing. He said I wasn't drunk, but I would say I was. With my love growing for him with his every word and every tear. I know that sounds corny, but it's what I felt. I cried with him that night. We cried with each other knowing we no longer had to feel alone.

Sunday, yesterday, we went to La Jolla Cove before we finally got to Sears to get our pictures taken. Then dinner right afterwards. He left earlier today. We didn't get a chance to say "goodbye" face to face but it was ok.

I went through a Friday and Sunday in few detail because what happened on Saturday was most important. I know this is long and I could have shortened it but I had to tell it in this much detail because it's what it deserves. The ring he had given me was a physical, tangible thing of our love for each other. It's what will bring me hope. Everytime I start to lose hope and feel like giving up, all I need to do is look at it and remember that what will come in the end will be worth hanging on to. Whenever I get frustrated, I look at at it and remember patience. When loneliness hits me hard, I look at it and I remember him and his love and with that our love. So, the two things I went on detail on this weekend just told me to hang on, don't lose hope. He and I are both struggling with our relationship and in our lives in general. But after what happened, I think we've gotten closer and stronger. I don't think anyone has ever looked at me and loved me the wway he did this weekend. And I know that he's never going to stop looking at me the way he does going through thoughts like I'm the most beautiful woman he's ever seen and still has a hard time believing I'm with him. I know he's never going to stop loving me. He's going to keep loving me. I don't think that I myself can love anyone more than I love him. (Well maybe except the kids we're planning to have but that's a different kind of love.) I look at him and I ask myself what did I do to deserve a guy who would do whatever it takes to make me smile, to make me happy, a guy who wants to take care of me? What have I done to deserve the life I'm about to have with him? What did I do to deserve to have all this love from this one guy? This weekend told me that I shouldn't lose hope, I shouldn't lose faith. I sit here now with the ring sitting by my laptop. (I took it off due to my finger's swelling. It's hell to take off under that circumstance.) It's the one thing that's keeping my head up, giving me faith, giving me hope. It's what's telling me that it's never going to be over. Our love won't stop. It'll just keep groing full and bright like the rose on it's stem from bud to full flower. Only difference, we won't fade.

T.L.E.R.